It rained and rained and rained.

This past week:

1) had meetings almost everyday
2) watched "the others" and liked it
3) had mexican with collegue
4) went clubbing with old friends
5) took my nephews (cousin's kids) to the zoo

I enjoyed going to the zoo and bring the kids there (6 and 4). No doubt it was really tiring but then kids truly say the cutest things.

him:"What is the time now?"
me:"6.00pm"
him:"what time is power rangers?"
me:"6.30pm"
him:"So how many more rounds?" (he has no much concept of "1 hour away" and judges time by how many "rounds" the minute hand move around an analog watch)
me:"half round"
him (exsperated):"I don't understand half. can say 1 or 2?"
me: "..."

I had fun. My cousin told me that this is good training for me till i have kids of my own. I think I am going to enjoy being godma/auntie/biao gu to all the children that other people can have and consider having some of my own after i finished resting from this trip.

This Colorgenics profile enables you to 'See Yourself As You Really Are'.

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to "All things bright and beautiful". This personifies a caring person... A person who "needs" and indeed "needs to be needed".

In the past there have been .. and maybe there still are many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all ...

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others ... but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from a close and harmonious relationship.

My brother quitted his job at Arthur Andersen and is going back to Melbourne to continue his Masters.
Somehow, i wish i can go too.

Ego

I began to hate myself for believing that i am less than what i am,that i needed to change.
I hate myself for easily easily led, to diminish my self-worth and letting them destroy my confidence.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

And so do the rest of the world who believed in themselves.
After all, what is life if i had to keep changing myself
so as to meet other people's expectation of me?
Especially for something so trivial, so shallow.

How can i believe that this is "good" for me
when it had only made me see how "imperfect" i am
and hence, would need to be "improved" upon.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

I did not used to believe that i need to make myself unhappy
and mould myself into something else to make others happy.
Others i do not know, others i do not care about.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

As i do not change enough for the people that i love.
So as to make them happy.
Happy that i will be able to fit into other people's mould.
Happy that i will be able to save their faces.

People whom i love would love to change me
so that they can feel happy infront of others.
Others i do not know, others i do not care about.

So yes, I have an ego problem.

But it was not big enough
to stop me from believing in this propaganda.
Not big enough to make me stand up for myself and defend my dignity.
Not big enough to keep my self-confidence.
Not big enough to stop insecurity from seeping in.
Not big enough to stop myself for trying.
Not big enough to say "enough!"

Till finally.

Now i hate myself for trying,
at the expenses of my self-worth, self-esteem.
And i hate the people who would sacrifice me
to make others i do not know, others i do not care about,
happy.

Yes, I have an ego problem.

"Why don't you try?"
But i did.
Yet, would you have accepted failure?

Thought that it might be quite inconvenient that the car has been borrowed. But then it didn't turn out half that bad. I still managed to get to work on time and didn't get lost taking the bus. Ha. So i guess i am not totally useless. In any case, it is only for two days. The car was lent to my uncle who is driving my aunt (his sister) up to KL to attend my granduncle's funeral. I don't really have much of an impression of my late granduncle. I wonder how he was like.

Realization no. 33:

All that they really wanted was just a trophy.

I was helping out as the emcee today at the Charity Triathlon 2002, doing things like making announcements, semi-sport-broadcasting (e.g. "no 113 has just left his cycle behind and carrying on on foot!") and part time paging services. The weather was quite fine, sun was shiny and windy throughout. There was a slight drizzle in the late afternoon but it was only for a short while. On the whole, it has been quite amazing to see all these atheletes competing in such a race. I mean 2km swim in heavy waves (strong winds), 92km cycle and 21km run?? Like what some of my collegues said: "bu2 shi4 ren3". And that is only "half" of what the Ironman race would complete.

I have never paid any attention to such sporting events so this was quite an eye opener for me. They started at 12noon and the winner came in around 4.40pm. That is 4 hours and 40 mins of non-stop exercise! They are certainly not kidding when they say "maximum endurance". The focus and determination was shown on each face of the 173 participants. Even though there were those who had to drop out of the triathlon midway perhaps due to fatigue and injuries, were nonetheless worthy of respect because of the hard work and training that must have been gone in in prepartion for such a race. I for one would never be bring myself to do it.

The charity triathlon was jointly organized by Rainbow Center and the Triathlon Association of Singapore to help raise funds for our school buiding fund and the Preschool integration enhancement program in our school. On top of competing in the race, the atheletes had pledge cards as well to help solicit for donations. So far, it has been very encouraging. Hope that we will be able to achieve our target of $100,000.

Tomorrow will be the award ceremony and i have to be there as an emcee again. The triathlon people said that the award ceremony will always be a day later as all the participants would not be able to enjoy any food or listen to anyone after the race. Very true. In fact when the first winner come in and someone tried to give him the medal, all he could say was "leave me alone". The degree of fatigue is quite unimaginable. Perhaps tomorrow, they would have recovered sufficiently to receive their prizes.

Stop looking over my shoulder
to see where i am going
for i am taking my time
and fear you will step on my heels

My cat snores,
softly.

I had silly crazy fun
once.

Heady rush of euphoria
piercing into my nerves
electrifying my synapses
sending liquid silver through my senses.

Never again.
I had silly crazy fun
once.

This is me... apparently...

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

On Zhang Yu Sheng:

On my drive home, i flipped to CD no. 8 on my cdplayer in the car. It was zhang yu sheng's last album (kou shi xin fei), one of my most favourite album of all time. I am not sure why i picked it, usually i just listen to the radio. But tonight i felt like listening to it. It seemed to suit the night and misty rain. In fact, i drove pass my house and went on straight and ended up somewhere in changi so that i could finish the whole album to the end. It was a good feeling and one satisfying drive.

There are many reasons why i like this particular album. It was a new experimental album, departing from zhang's usual compositions which he was well known for. It was not a perfect album but it was a daring one. After a long hiatus (and producing for other singers), he came back from with something different from the run of the mill love songs he usually composed. Hints of what was to come came on and off in his previous albums (e.g. mei you yan chou de ri zi) but that last album still impressed me as i felt he was on the verge of breaking through to another stage of his career and phase of composing.

The album has only 11 songs. Most of which exceed 4mins individually. He composed most of the lyrics, the melody, arranged the music and produced it. And what fun he must have had. He experimented with different electronic sounds, instrumentation and arrangement. All the songs sounded unique, with hints of different musical influences, ranging from jazz to orchestral concentos. It was not without its flaws. I never feel that he was a particularly good lyricist though he did have a few good ones. There was also a over empharsize on the "rock effect" (2-3 songs which started slow ended in a sudden rock concert high gear, which i felt was rather over doing it). But what i love most is that every song has qualities that i admire: a interesting zen-like starting melody, imaginative play of lyrics and orchestra arrangement of "sui ni", the calmness of "he" and daring climax of "cuppacino".

I would have love to see where he would take his new style if he had not passed away. This album was like a sampler of different styles which he was interested in. Where could he have gone from there? There was certainly room for exploration and improvement. But i guess i would never know. Most people have not paid much attention to it. My guess is that people usually like songs which they can sing to at ktv which could explain why the second song in the album "kou shi xin fei" was the only one people recognized. In any case, i feel that this album has been underrated when it should have been viewed as one with trememdous potential but was cut short by the singer unfortunate demise.

On being alone:

On and off, i do feel like i needed some time out alone by myself. But it is seldom serious. Usually, a night of reading or surfing the net will suffice and i will go back to being sociable again. But this last few days i have been struggling on the edge of something i can't quite place my finger on. And soon, wanting to take some time out and being alone became a need, not just a want. Which was precisely why i "took off" today. Though i wasn't sure why (there was some irritation mixed up in all these but i doubt that was all), i did not dwell on today. I went to a movie, a sushi dinner, window shopping and a drive without much thoughts on the "whys" and "how comes" or even the future. It was pretty much in the moment. Hence i was able to enjoy the movie, the dinner and the drive. I remain ambivalent over the shopping.

It would have felt strange in usual circumstances. I have always professed to be one that hated watching movies alone but today it was alright. I have not really thought about why it should be alright today, but it was. It was an urge, a compulsion, which till this moment is still lingering in my system. In some ways, i was propelled by it without giving it much thought.

On status:

Watched Spirited Away today. Finally completed most of what i set out to do except writing about trip. I wonder whats so hard about it, especially when i had all the notes written out. Seems that the starting is the most difficult thing to do. Oh well. I will try to get on with it.

Enjoyed Spirited Away very much. I think i like this more than some of his more serious cartoons (e.g. those env-conscious ones like feng zi gu and ba bian li mao or the tear-jerker zai jian yin huo cong). It is not as cutesy as totoro but it has the right mix of fantasy and "morals". A mixture of alice in wonderland and the wizard of oz. I feel a certain sense of familiarity with the story and issues but it was still enjoyable and refreshing nonetheless. It was pitched just right for me i guess.

Been sleeping extremely late these two nights.
Not really suffering from insomnia but close enough.
And not to mention logging in quite often these days.
Not sure if log in hence i sleep late or sleep late hence i log in.

Some big stuff brewing on the workfront.
Life can get interesting.

Speaking of interesting, there is a charity triathlon for my school (Balestier Special School) this weekend helping to raise funds to build a new school in Sengkang. Not that i am running or anything, but will be the Emcee for the event. Looks like that is my sideline at work. Anyway if anyone want to donate (any amount, we would be extremely grateful), please let me know. After all it is for a good cause right? So start the new year by doing something worthwhile. :D

The last few days were so windy without rain.
I could sleep comfortably with my balcony door and windows wide open
without worrying about flooding my room and wasting electricity on the air-conditioning.

A major plus point for the cat since he gets to roam around outside
instead of being shut inside the room with me.

Realization no. 32:

The more you crave, the less rational you will be.

Have a sudden craving for gambing soup.

Found a substitute comment blog named YACCS so my online day wasn't all for the lost.

Well, that's one thing out of the way.
Seriously doubt reblogger will make it back
and since blogback stopped accepting new users
and snotcomments is dead,
there aren't much choices avaliable really.

Okie..

First thing first.. i didnt do shit this weekend.
Not terribly please with myself.
Was suppose to write about trip.
Must force myself to get down to it soon.

Added something to the 1000 journal but not terribly neat.
Was writing in half darkness outside my balcony.

Thinking of doing something radical.
Only thing is... What.
Also some big decisions pending.
I really need some time alone for a bit.

Saw some friends this weekend.
At least done some things worth mentioning.
Club and ChitChat.
Alittle taxing because i need some time to sort out certain things
but nonetheless time with good friends is time well spent.
Much better than what i do when i am alone.

Received a nice long letter from a dear friend.
Glad to know that all is well.

Next weekend, emcee at school charity triathlon.
Looks like time alone will not be forthcoming anytime soon.

Saw the moon today.
It looked like a big cheese biscuit.
The first day of the new year and what stuck to my head was seeing a cheezball in the sky.

I was thinking 20/02/2002 is a good date.

Start of 2002

Age: 25y 9mth
Number of old resolutions: 2
Number of old resolutions achieved: 1
Number of new resolutions: 0

Put on a new collar with bell on my cat.
He did not struggle at all.

Status so far...

Watched Lord of the Rings.
One of the few film adaptions of books which i feel retains very much the essense and even enhances the original literature. Not at all disappointed despite having a high expection of it after all the hype and being generally critical of such attempts.

Prepared for new school term.
Sorted out my timetable but quite sure that there will be changes. Found out that I will be more involved in training and also learning a new assessment tool so have to also mentally gear myself up for it. Bought trays for making tasks for therapy.

Met up with some friends.
Saw babes and her sibs for new year. And even some friends that i have not seen for a while. Quite a nice start to a brand new year. I believe what we do on new years eve heralds for what is to come for the new year. For example, i spent last new years eve watching tv and 2001 had been one where i found myself slavishly catching tv series. It could just be me. But a good start is always nice. Certainly don't want to spend new year day with a hangover.

Gave aunt bag of goodies.
Some clothes alil big but generally she was happy with the choices for chinese new year. And abit surprised to receive one frozen chicken. My mom have to greatest ability to pack enough food to feed an army into a tv carton. To date, no one in our family had dared to refused her "packages" for fear of eternal retribution. Hence, i bought back with me, amongst my already stuffed backpack, a tv carton comprises of 8 frozen chickens, 1 giant fish (of unknown species but suppose to be really good i.e. was swimming in south china sea just this morning) which was at least a meter in length and width of my big thigh, 4 packs of dried chinese mushroom, 4 packs of dried scallops, 4 packs of mushroom stalky thingys for soup, 2 packs of root thingy for soup, 1 frozen pack of pig's intestines, 2 pack of preserved sausages, 2 packs of rice biscuits, 1 giant piece of yellow ginger and 3 rack of roast pork and 1 rack of char sieu. Not surprisingly our luggage was overweight (60kg of which 30kg came from the carton).

Hence, i need now to find time to write about my trip, watch spirted away and meet up with the rest of my friends. Hopefully this weekend will suffice.